Love spell
by N.V.9
Summary: I've cast a spell to try and get the girl I love to love me back. Note to self: read don't skim and find a counter spell because I am so not into guys! COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

"Love Forever More." Naruto read before opening the book, "Be it man, woman, or both." nodding his head, he closed the book with a snap and bought it two seconds later, ignoring the shopowner telling him to be careful. With a big grin on his face he ran all the way home, the whole while thinking, 'Sakura will finally love me, even if I have to help her to love me.'

Running through the front door of his home he yelled, "Hi mom, hi dad. I'll be in my room."

"Hi Naru-to…" his father said surprised that his son was long gone by the time he turned to him. "Boy that kid is fast." Minato grinned looking at his wife.

"He is your son." she said rolling her eyes.

"Aren't I great?" He said grinning wider as he puffed up.

"No." she said and just like that he deflated.

=^.^=

Naruto ran to his desk and sat down and quickly opened the book, his hands runnind down the index until he came to the section he wanted. Flipping to the page he began to read, "Love comes from the heart. Many times love, blah, blah, blah. Not what I care about. Ah here we are…." running his finger over the page, he read about potions, "No I won't be able to get her to drink it." huffing he turned the page, "Binding with touch…nope she won't even come near me." turning the page again, he read, "article capture… What does writing a paper…oh I see, I need something of hers…next!" beginning to feel annoyed, he flipped the page again, "Love casting… hmmm…to capture your truest hearts desire you must chant the following while thinking of them. It helps if you have a picture of them to help you concentrate,-" skipping down to the spell he grinned. "Today Sakura is going to be mine." he promised.

Going through his desk as he looked for the one picture he had of her and everyone one else… "Stupid yearbook, where are you? There you are." flipping to find the biggest picture of her, and knowing exactly where the best picture of her was.

And there she was…so beautiful and perky. She was a dream come true, his fantasy come to life. In the background, however, behind his pink haired cheerleader and other blah cheerleaders, was the football team. Glaring at all of them, he quickly turned his eyes to his future wife. And tried to ignore the other losers.

'**My heart does cry, to hold thee near'**

'**My life does whisper, without thee I fear'**

'**Sweet love I beg to let us combine'**

'**And give me the chance to make thee mine'**

Glancing down to the next phrase he took a breath.

'**Let the world show thee thy true heart'**

'**Let them all see, with out I it falls apart'**

'**I ask once more, for thee I breathe'**

'**Please be mine, confess thy love to me'**

"Now Sakura you are mine." he said and sighed in bliss. Glancing down at the bottom of the page he slowly lost his smile, "Within a day of reading this you're princes shall come a calling. Wait, princes?" glancing up at the top of the page he read in horror, "Princes of the Ton."

Taking a breath to calm his racing heart he read underneath it, "For the woman of the world who do not have one man, now have choices of many." no, no, no. Naruto tried to calm down. He should have read the page instead of skimming the thing. Curse books for making him skim them!

"Please if there is a god, don't let this be real. I mean, I was looking at Sakura the whole time… And I'm a guy so it doesn't count, right? And this book is obviously fake, who in their right mind would believe this stuff anyway….I was kidding when I said it, so that also has to mean something. Anyway, please, please, please. If you do this for me I'll never cast another spell again. Promise on my stash of ramen." he said clasping his hands and glancing at the ceiling.

"Naruto, what are you doing?" Naruto jumped at the sound of his father's voice.

"AH! Nothing dad I was, umm, yeah." He finished lamely as his dad only looked at him suspiciously.

"Dinners ready. Be down in two." he said after awhile.

"Dad is it okay if I skip dinner? I mean, I'm not feeling to good and yeah." Naruto said glancing away.

"You do look a little pale and your sweating a little. Maybe we should take you to the doctor." his father said walking closer to place a hand on Naruto's forehead, "Your skins a little cool… I'll get you're mother." He said worriedly turning to call his wife.

"No! Dad please! I think I just need to sleep it off. It's probably just a bug or something." Naruto said. He so didn't want to deal with his mother. She'd go all crazy on him and call an ambulance or something.

She'd probably call his grandmother in Paris and force her to come check on him. Well, not force but guilt and make it bigger then his little fib actually was. "Please dad, just tell mom I'm tired or something."

"Okay, but if you feel worse later you tell us right away." his father commanded. "Now get to bed." he said picking up Naruto as if he was a small child. Ignoring his son's protest he pulled off Naruto's shoes and socks and then his shirt, stopping at his pants when Naruto slapped him. Pulling the covers down, he layed Naruto down and tucked him in, completely used to being hit. He married Kushina, so this was nothing. "Get better." he demanded.

Rolling his eyes, Naruto nodded.

"Good." his father said before kissing his forehead and taking off. Naruto just wanted to hit something, preferably his father.

Turning on his side he begged that the book to be a lie to get people to buy it. He begged that nothing happened and everything stayed the same. Then he begged that he found a spell that would work and make Sakura fall in love with him. Then he begged he had ramen. Then he begged he could dream about ramen. Then he begged that ramen would rain down on him tomorrow. Then he...fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

Naruto didn't want to go to school. The whole morning he tried to wiggle out of it using every excuse he could think of. He even used puppy eyes on his mother and she ignored it! How did she ignore his puppy eyes? They were the perfect arsenal!

How could she force him to come to school? Didn't she know he was scared of what could possibly be a bad start to the rest of his life? Of course not because she didn't know about the spell. The joke spell…. Not real spell…. Just a lie spell. Dang it, why did his mom worry more about school then his health? If it was a choice about him dying or missing school she probably choose the first. She was a cold mother. Shame her to the nonramen stands.

He wished his father woke up first. The eyes would have worked on him perfectly, they always did. But noooooo, his mother had to be the first one awake. Curse you mother for doing this to me. If they come on to me, its not my fault it's yours! If you don't get grandkids, it's also your fault, he thought pouting.

His pout soon turned into a worried frown. How many football players were there? Fifteen? Twenty? Lets see there was the four captains, the defensive line, and offensive line. The backups or whatever they were called. Crap. It was all the popular guys of the school. Some of which had girlfriends. He was going to die or get raped. He didn't want either.

Maybe if I skip school…. No his mother's Naruto-is-skipping-school senses would kick in.

Taking a breath he turned the corner and there was the big brick building. It looks the same, he thought. There was no football players in sight. So it didn't work. If it did, then wouldn't they be waiting outside for him to confess their, cough, cough, love or something?

It didn't work! Naruto couldn't have been happier if he had a life time supply of ramen, actually that would be so much better.

With a skip in his step he whistled horribly all the way to the door and entered the loud halls of Kohan High.

Making his way to his locker with the biggest smile on face, he didn't realize his predicament until he was at his destination.

"Naruto." At the sound of his name he turned with the smile still in place to see one of the football players looking at him with a blank face. Just like that, he lost his smile as the spell came back front and center in his mind. Oh no, please let me be wrong. Let him want to shove me in this itty bitty locker. If you do I will give up….ramen? No I can't do that. Shame on me for thinking such things. I'll give up my dad. Yes my dad, just let this be a false alarm.

"Yes?" Naruto asked worriedly pulling back from the red head.

"I'm Gaara." he said moving to block Naruto from escaping.

"Hi Gaara….did you need something?" Go away. Shoo. Look a cheerleader!

"I love you." Gaara said in his raspy voice. And just like that, Naruto's whole world crashed, burned, exploded, then died.

"What?" He said trying not to faint. No, no, no, no. You hate me up there! I knew you had it in for me ever since I was three and I…. what did he do at three? He poked his nose a lot and wiped them on anyone near him. He threw his grandma's cat out the window because it ate his cookie. He-

"I love you, will you go out with me?" Gaara asked seriously. His face never changing with his confession.

"Ha ha, you're funny." Naruto said playing this off. Idiot, messing with things you don't understand, now look what happens. You had to make Sakura fall in love with you and this is what happened. Shame on me, he cried on the inside. "Now if you will excuse me." He said making his way around the scary red head.

"No." Gaara said blocking his path. Moving closer he boxed Naruto into the lockers. All around them the halls got quiet as people looked on in shock, all of them expecting Gaara to beat him up. What jerks!

"Listen, Gaara….I'm not gay, sooooo, this isn't going to work." Naruto said trying to escape. "Can you back up a little so I can…run." he said struggling without results.

"No." Gaara said bring his face closer.

"HELP! RAPE!" Naruto yelled. Why was no one saving him? All the students here were just watching him get practically molested. Had they no shame? "He's MOLESTING ME! HELLO!"

Gaara said nothing as he grasped Naruto's chin in his right hand. Looking into Naruto's eyes, he lowered his head closing his own as his lips got closer to Naruto's. In Naruto's mind he knew he should struggle, but trying to get his body to listen to his brain when his brain is shocked at losing his first kiss to a guy is impossible. Good-bye virgin lips. Live in sin, he cried into his head.

"Gaara!" At the sound of his name, the red head turned. With a sigh of relief Naruto was saved. Yes. Point for me. I knew you didn't hate me, he thought to the person above...wait, why is...That's when he realized that all of Gaara was touching all of him… NO, his chances at wining Sakura were fading faster then a snowman in the summer! What was in Gaara's pocket? Why was it poking him?

"Sai." Gaara said looking at other teenager.

Sai? Crap! He's another one! Naruto thought, freaking out on the inside. You do hate me! I thought we were friends. We could of had something, person-who-I-don't-know-is-a-girl-or-a-boy-from-above!

"Get off of him." Sai said with a fake smile.

Why did the freaky football player have to come to his rescue? Who was worse, the scary-would-some-day-to-time Gaara or the fake-smiling-creepy-weird Sai? Both. Naruto decided.

"Why should I?" Gaara asked as he stood straight. One arm locking around Naruto's waist and pulling him close. Too close in Naruto's opinion. He needed to breathe!

"Because he's mine." Sai said glaring. Moving closer, he grabbed Naruto's arm and pulled him forcefully, not gently mind you, out of Gaara's grip.

"Wrong losers."

Turning his head, Naruto spotted another one. Kimimaro. Great first the future murder, then the Barbie with no emotion and now the guy who thought the world was his enemy.

"He's mine. Come Naruto." Kimimaro said holding out his hand as if he thought Naruto would go to him. If he asked properly, maybe, but not now. For the life of ramen, who thought this dude manners?

The whole school or more like the hallway looked on in shock at seeing three football players that they all thought were asexual fighting over the blond loud kid that annoyed everyone.

"Back off Kimimaro, Naruto confessed his love to me." Gaara said grabbing onto Naruto's arm and pulling him out of Sai's reach.

"Wrong!" Naruto yelled. "You confessed to me. Look guys I'm flattered," like a mouse that got caught by a cat, "but I'm not gay. I like girls. So with that said I'm out of here." Naruto yelled and turned away from all three of them only to run smack dab into…. Another one.

"Naruto, my youthful love, are they irritating you?" Lee said with his blinding smile. Putting a blinking Naruto behind him he turned to the other three and posed. "Please refrain from touching my beloved Naruto."

"No." the others said as one glaring at the green fiend blocking their blond.

"Naruto does not want you. He says this by running into me. He has chosen me. Right my golden princess?" turning around Lee blinked as he noticed his blond angel gone. "Naruto?"

Naruto clutched his chest. Lee was a godsend, not that I'm thanking you for doing this to me, not only did he rescue him he also let him get away. Now here he was, hiding in another hallway away from freaky to freakier. Stupid spell, you ruined my life. Now I'll have to hide from every football player in the whole school… how many classes could he skip before his mom found out?

A buzzing in his pocket made Naruto reach for his phone.

_Naruto you're not skipping are you?_

She knew before he could even finish the thought. She was one scary woman.

_I would never mommy, scouts honor. _He texted back_._

_You were never in the scouts._

_Who's fault is that? You deprived me of yet another thing a boy needs in his life._

_*sigh* I swear you're more like your father._

_Is that an insult O.O_

_I don't know. Bye baby boy mommy loves you. Xoxo_

_Gross._ putting his phone away he moved off the wall.

Taking a breath he turned into another hallway and froze.

"Crap." he said seconds later as he ran into more spellbound boys. There, walking toward him were none other then the senior captains. Itachi, Sasori, Deidara, and Pain. Maybe they haven't seen me yet. Looking both ways, he slowly backed up into another body.

"Naruto, I've been looking for you everywhere." The arm wrapper whispered into his ear as he kissed it. Naruto would never admit to the girly shriek that came from his mouth. He would swear to the day he died it was very manly, cave man even.

"Back off Shino." Itachi said coming to stand in front of the shaking blonde. Itachi was known for the glare of death or as Naruto liked to call it, pee-your-pants-and-deny-you- did-anything-else glare. He had recieved a few of them for the pranks he pulled on Itachi. Man those pranks were funny.

"Yes Shino, I wouldn't want to hurt one of our star players, un." Deidara said walking up until he was inches away from Naruto. "Naru, baby is this evil boy holding you hostage?" he said running his hand down Naruto's face.

"He is with me willingly." Shino said taking a step back away from the four captains, Naruto's feet slidding across the floor.

"No I'm not. I really don't want to be here." Naruto said quickly, ignoring Shino's frown.

"You heard him. Let _my_ Naruto go." Sasori said reaching for the blonde.

"Your Naruto? I beg to differ, he's mine." Pain said blocking the red head.

"Wrong again." Itachi said squaring off with the two.

"Let him go Shino, un." Deidara demanded, eyes narrowed.

Shino kissed Naruto's head and pushed him gently behind him. "He's mine." Shino said going toe to toe with Deidara. Naruto looked at the five boys.

Good, distracted.

Turning around he glared at the new group of people that watched but didn't come to his defense. Who raised these people? Monkeys? No that was an insult to monkey.

Making his way quickly and quietly away, he ran to the boys bathroom and then backpedaled when he saw Shikamaru and Kiba in there. Before they could make their way to him, he ran into a classroom. Looking inside, he could have kissed the floor when he saw it was empty. Pulling out his phone he dialed his friends Kabuto's and Temari's number. "Guys I need you." pause. "I know school hasn't started yet." longer pause "Come to me! It's my body on the line!" pause with lots of irritation and death thoughts "Hurry." closing the phone he waited for them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story. **

Naruto paced around the room so many times he could practically see the indents he made. Where were they? He called them like years ago! Did they fail to see, no, hear the fear in his voice? Was his body not worthy of them to save? Why did he ever think older friends would care more?

"Hurry!" he whispered annoyed as he bit the nail on his thumb. "I swear guys, you suck as best friends!" pouting he crossed his arms and sat at a random desk. Banging his head over and over he, remembered the book he put in his bag.

"Maybe there might be a counter spell!" he said grinning, "Now all I have to do is get my bag….that's in my locker surrounded by lovesick puppies." groaning, he let his head fall hard on the desk with a bang.

"With treatment like that, it's a wonder you're not completely brain dead." Kabuto said walking into the classroom. Temari right behind him.

"It's about time!" Naruto said jumping up and flying at them. Throwing his arms around both of their necks, he cried, "I'm going to be raped!"

"Why exactly," Temari grunted removing herself out of Naruto's death grip. "are you going to be raped?"

"Naruto I can't breath!" Kabuto gasped turning red.

"Shush, I'm having a moment!" Naruto glared, stepping back, "I need your help!"

"I need a doctor." Kabuto added glaring at Naruto as he rubbed his sore neck.

"Later." Naruto said dismissing him, "Temari, they're going to get me!"

"Who is going to get you?" Temari asked raising an eyebrow.

"The monsters of the school!" Naruto said shivering. "They nearly got me this morning!"

"Monsters? Naruto what are you on? Did your dad slip you something again?" Temari asked grabbing his face and looking into his eyes.

"No!" Naruto said pushing her hand away. "That last time was an accident."

"How do you accidentally give your kid painkillers?" Kabuto asked sitting his butt on the teachers desk.

"I don't know. Look that's not important."

"Then what is important?" Temari asked taking a seat beside Kabuto.

"If you would stop talking and let me finish!" Naruto said nearly screaming.

"Fine." Temari said huffing, "Tell us."

"Okay." Naruto said and then went quiet as his face got red.

"Well?" Kabuto asked rolling his eyes.

"I'm trying!" Naruto said pouting.

"Look I have to get to class in like ten minutes, I need to put the finishing touches on my project before I turn it in." Temari said scooting off the desk. "It's the whole reason I came early-"

"Wait! Okay," Naruto said taking a breath, "you know that thing I told you guys about the other day?"

"What thing? You told us a bunch of stuff." Kabuto said picking at his nails boredly.

"The Sakura thing! Don't you guys listen to me!" Naruto said crossing his arms and looking childish.

"Yes, but most of the time I tune you out." Kabuto smirked at Naruto's pout. "Naruto what exactly about Sakura are you talking about?"

"You know how you said, the way to get Sakura to fall in love with me was a long shot?"

"And I still stand by it."

"We'll I thought about what you said-"

"You thought _willingly_?" Temari said surprised and Kabuto broke out laughing.

Giving them a glare, Naruto went on, "I _thought_ about what you said and I came to a conclusion."

"Which is?" Kabuto asked smirking his annoying know it all smirk.

"I could put a spell on her to love me." Naruto said grinning. Kabuto and Temari stayed quiet before they looked at one another and started laughing.

"I'm serious!" Naruto said hating them with every fiber of his being.

"Did it work?" Kabuto asked between laughter.

"Yes…No…. well not the way I wanted it to." Naruto sighed and sat in an empty chair. Placing his head in his hands he added, "I cast the wrong spell."

"So you cast a spell and it worked, but it was the wrong one?" Temari asked biting her cheek.

"Yes."

"Lets say we believe you…what did this spell do?" Kabuto asked coming to stand in front of him. One hand on his hip.

"I skimmed it… I know I shouldn't have, but I was too excited about casting it." Naruto explained first.

"What did the spell do?" Kabuto asked again placing the other hand on the desk in front of Naruto and leaning down. Naruto spoke very quietly.

"What?" Temari asked. Again he spoke a little louder.

"Can you stop murmuring I can't hear you." Temari said, giving him the don't-you-dare-go-against-me look.

"I made all the football players fall in love with me." Naruto confessed going redder.

"You made the what?" Kabuto asked taken back.

"It was a spell to get someone to love me. All I had to do was look at a picture of the person I liked and say it, but the only good picture I have of Sakura was in the yearbook with all the other cheerleaders and football players. And when I cast the spell, I didn't notice until afterward."

"After what?" Temari asked taking a seat next to him, trying to figure out if her young friend was under the influence again, courtasy of his father.

"That it was a spell for girls to find love, not guys!" Naruto said throwing his hands in the air.

Again the room went silent before Temari broke it. Holding her stomach she doubled over and started laughing. Tears falling out of her eyes. Kabuto on the other hand seemed like he was trying to hold back his own laughter.

"Fine laugh it up." Naruto said glaring at them. "I need help!"

"Okay… Is this another prank Naruto." Kabuto asked chuckling. "You almost had me."

"It's not a prank! This is real!"

"Sure. So you're saying the whole football team has it bad for you? That my brothers have it bad for you?" Temari asked controlling herself.

"Gaara was the first one that attacked me!" Naruto said glaring, "I'll prove it!" he said stalking out of the room. Ranting very bad things about them in his head.

"Do you think he's finally lost it?" Temari asked. Kabuto shrugged and followed their blonde.


	4. Chapter 4

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story. **

Naruto was beginning to rethink this situation he got himself in to. What kind of idiot would willing go to a place they knew the people that were under the spell hung out? Oh yeah him. "Maybe we should try something else." Naruto said faltering in his steps. "Lets try at lunch time-"

"No, you dragged us out here and now you're going to show us." Temari said grabbing his arm in a very tight grip, he might add, and pulling him along. "I want to know if my brothers got the hots for you."

"And if they do?" Kabuto asked bored. This was plain annoying. If Naruto was playing them again for some stupid reason, Kabuto was going to hurt him. Well, not hurt him per say but embarrass him beyond anything the blonde moron had ever felt.

"They are going to rape me!" Naruto said struggling against, what he was now calling, the Amazon. Seriously what kind of girl was this strong? "Are you on steroids?"

"What?" Temari blinked at him surprise.

"Well you have a very surprising strong grip, so I was wondering if you were on steroids. If you were it would explain so much about your ways." Naruto said for the first time sounding smart. To bad Temari didn't appreciate it.

"What did you say!" She said stopping the boy in the clearing where everyone could see him cower from her.

"Well I just… you're the most beautiful girl alive!" he screamed hoping to live many years longer. He had so much to do in his life. He wanted to go to the zoo by himself for the first time. He wanted to eat a thousand bowls of ramen everyday after he hit thirty, because seriously, no matter what people say, thirty is old. You start failing after thirty. He wanted to marry Sakura and have like two maybe three kids and a cute little dog that he'd name Floppy, because he'd have long flappy ears.

"Naruto." Temari said advancing on him like a scary tiger or maybe an ape… what did she remind him of? No, focus, you're going to die or get raped today, you need to be on your game, Uzumaki. ON YOUR GAME.

"Temari, I love you like a lot. You are the most coolest friend ever and if it wasn't for you, Kabuto wouldn't even be my friend. I mean he's like a backwards emo." Naruto said without thinking.

"I'm what?" Kabuto glared at him as he grabbed the collar of Naruto's shirt.

"I… I don't know anymore!" Naruto screamed as anime tears fell down his face. "I'm having a stressful day!"

"Well you're going to have a dead one." Kabuto hissed.

"Please Kabuto, my bestest friend ever! Please let me live!" Naruto begged holding his hands together. "Let me be saved for another bully somewhere far, far, far, far, far, far, far, down the line!"

"Why should I, you little monster?" Kabuto asked secretly enjoying this moment. This couldn't have planned out better. Poor Naruto was going to be the laughing stock of the school, but then he'd have to defend him later because they were friends...great. In a way he felt bad, but no one called him a backwards emo…what was a backwards emo?

"Because if you don't you're going to die." Someone threatened from behind him. Kabuto stiffened before he turned around slowly. With Naruto now limp in his hands, Kabuto gulped. The whole football team was watching him with eyes that promised his death.

"Kabuto kill me!" Naruto screamed reaching up with his own hands to make Kabuto shake him.

"Kabuto, right?" Pain asked taking a step forward.

"Y-yes." Kabuto said not realizing he squeezed Naruto until the boy yelped.

"Release Naruto, if there is one bruise on him you're dead." Itachi said glaring that one glare that could make a monster cry in shame for not being so scary as they also cried in fear of Itachi's glare.

Kabuto quickly did as he was told, letting Naruto flop to the floor. Oh my god, Naruto was telling the truth. Most times the football players ignored the blonde. Or made fun of him, or… no lets not get into all of that.

"HEY!" the idiot shouted as he stood up quickly, "What kind of friend are you!" Kabuto tried to push Naruto out of his face and toward Temari, he was not dying today! He was too young!

"Naruto go away." Kabuto hissed when Naruto wasn't getting the hint.

"No, I told you to kill me, but no, you rather let other bad things happen to me! What did I ever do for you to hate me and sacrifice me this way!" he asked pouting cutely.

"Naruto." Kabuto said not taking his eyes off of the players that were watching them, eating Naruto alive and killing Kabuto with their eyes. "I have to get to class. Bye, come on Temari." He said quickly grabbing his other friend and high tailing it out of there.

"Do you think we did the right thing?" Temari asked when they made it around the corner. "I mean my brothers were…"

"I know but it was either him or us." Kabuto explained releasing her and taking off.

"But-"

"We can find another annoying blonde. The school is filled with lots of them."

"Was that directed at me?" Temari asked sweetly. Oh crap, Kabuto thought before he took off again, now was a great time to miss school. "Kabuto, get back here!" Temari shouted running after him.

Naruto watched stupidly as his friends took off. They took off….went away…left him here…..he was so alone…

"Naruto."

At the sound of his name Naruto jumped. Without looking he tried to run only to get pulled back by the back of his shirt.

"Please don't rape me, I'm to adorable to be raped." he begged turning to see who grabbed him and was now holding him. "Please… um…what is your name again?"

"Sora."

"Thanks, okay… Please Sora! I need to get to class and…. HEY! Your holding me to close!" Naruto screeched elbowing his way away from the teen.

"Sora. Let go of what is mine." Sasuke said taking a step forward and staring the other down.

"Yours?" Deidara said amused and annoyed all at once. How did he pull it off? "I don't think so, un." Naruto had a strange feeling. He felt like he already did this…did this happen already? Maybe he was remembering a past life! How exciting was that!

"No, he meant mine." Haku said moving quickly and grabbing Naruto around the waist as he held him close. "Didn't he sunshine?"

"No…no….NO! You pervert get your hand off my butt!" Naruto screamed in anger. Molested right before their eyes. His chance with Sakura was over…

"Your what!" the team shouted as one and advanced on a backpedaling Haku. Naruto used this to his advantage and ran. "Safe!" he shouted happily when he made it into class. Now he just had to stay one step ahead of his new enemies and kill his ex b.f.f's


	5. Chapter 5

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

Naruto took a breath as he sat in his assigned chair in the middle of the classroom. What was he going to do? Did he have classes with any football players? Curse his mind for going blank all the time! Why was it always filled with ramen...ramen, man he wanted ramen. His poor stomach was so upset that there was no ramen in view. Don't worry belly, we'll find ramen soon-dang it Uzumaki! We're in a crises here! But no ramen is also a crises...Focus! Was this class one of the classes he had football players in?

With a groan, he thumped his forehead on his desk and closed his eyes. Not even bothering to move as more people came in and sat down. He didn't even realize when people by him got up and moved away or when knew people sat next to him. He was to busy thinking of ways to get out of this…. And what he wanted for lunch, he hoped they served ramen… focus Naruto, you need to make a plan.

Stage one: Kill Temari and Kabuto, they are useless now. Stupid friends that ran away, uncaring of his cute behind...His behind was rather cute too. He hated to brag, but his but was just goregous.

Stage two: stay away from football players, they will rape you. Who invented football anyways? It's all their fault. If they didn't make the stupid game Naruto wouldn't be in this predicament. Hehe, he knew a big word, no bad Naruto, you have to focus.

"You look cute when you talk to yourself." Someone said from in front of him. Naruto eeped and sat up straight. His eyes meeting those of Suigetsu. No, no, no, it was the insulting moron. This guy made Naruto's life hell for years. Ha! As if Suigetsu had a chance with him! Not that he was gay or anything. He liked girls and boobies...hehe, boobies...

"Don't talk to him Suigetsu, you don't have permission to talk to my Naruto." Sasuke said moving his desk closer on the right of Naruto.

"In your dreams, Uchiha, he's obliviously into me. Look as he moves closer my way." Kiba grinned from his left. Wasn't he dating Hinata? Where was she? Looking around, Naruto spotted her sitting up front with Sakura and Ino, the latter of the two glaring daggers at him as Hinata looked forward with a blank expression. Oh god! Ino was scary! Ino was going to kill him. Who was she dating again?

"Kiba please get your animal hands off." Sora glared from behind Naruto as he flung Kiba into his desk.

"Might as well move yours to." Shikamaru said lazily diagonally to his right and beside Sora. Wait Ino was dating Shikamaru! Yay! He figured it out.

"Naruto are you only quiet because you know you don't want them. That you want me to sit with you." Haku said moving to sit on Naruto's desk. Smiling down at him with what Naruto thought was a sexy grin…. No not sexy. Naruto wasn't gay. He liked girls. Girls!

"Haku take your seat." Kakashi sensei said entering on time for the first time in his life.

Naruto could have cried in happiness. "Will someone tell me why you are all moved around?"

"They want my body!" Naruto screeched jumping up. "They've been stalking and groping me all day! Make them move!"

Kakashi blinked and blinked and blinked. "What? Naruto school just started."

"He has it all wrong." Sasuke stated rolling his eyes and dragging Naruto back into his seat.

"I do NOT!" Naruto screamed struggling to break free and ignoring how soft Sasuke's hands were. What kind of lotion did he use? His hands were just...soft.

"You see, Kakashi sensei, Naruto wanted me to sit next to him but these idiots," Sasuke glared at the glaring football players, "Don't understand this."

"He's lying! I want them all gone! You're a teacher! Your supposed to protect your students with your own life! Protect me!" Naruto demanded trying to shake Sasuke's arm off. "Let go you bastard!"

"Naruto after school detention." Kakashi said.

"WHAT!" Naruto couldn't believe this, here he was with their hands practically trying to feel him up, and he gets detention.

"Jackass let him go." Suigetsu said glaring at Sasuke.

"Detention." Kakashi said again.

"Fuck this." Kiba said smirking.

"Detention."

"Stop! Can't you see what they are doing?" Naruto demanded finally free from Sasuke, panting like crazy after his struggle. He was not out of shape...he, who was he kidding, he so did not ever exercise. Exercise was for people that were not him.

"What is that, Naruto?"

"They are going to rape me!" Naruto shouted.

"I'll beat the shit out of anyone who tries." Sasuke said.

"Detention."

"Me to." Haku said waving his hand in the air.

"You to what?" Kakashi asked.

"I want detention."

"Why would you want detention?"

"Just give me detention!" Haku demanded.

"I can't just give detention to you for no reason."

"Then make one up."

"No."

"Fine… fuck off."

"Detention."

"See that wasn't hard." Haku said nodding approvingly. "Naruto we can still be together."

"NO!"

"Damn it, this is troublesome."

"Detention!" Kakashi yelled as Shikamaru grinned.

"STOP!" Naruto practically cried.

"Hell yeah!" Sora yelled.

"All of you after school detention. Anyone who says another word will join them!" Kakashi yelled leaning forward on his desk. His face red from anger as he huffed.

"Kakashi sensei, Iruka sent me-."

"Detention!" Kakashi yelled glaring at the door.

"What the heck? I'm not even in your class!" Choji yelled from the doorway.

"It doesn't matter! You are joining Sasuke, Sora, Haku, Suigetsu, Shikamaru, Kiba, and Naruto in detention!"

Choji opened his mouth to protest, "Wait Naruto…" looking over at said blonde, Choji grinned, "Fine with me."

"Did you need something?" Naruto glared back, "You're interrupting class."

"We haven't even done anything loser." Sakura glared.

"Shut up Strawberry Shortcake!" Naruto yelled back. "Go make cakes or something!"

"If you all want to pass this class, you will all stay silent!" Kakashi yelled again. At once the class calmed down. "Choji what do you need?"

"I brought this from Iruka sensei, he said it's yours." Choji said walking in fearfully as he placed a package on Kakashi's desk. "He also says not to open it with students near."

Kakashi grinned in a way that made Naruto fear for whatever was in the package. If that look said anything at all, it was run away before he got you.

"You're excused." Kakashi said grabbing the box and petting it like a cat. Choji nodded and winked at Naruto before turning away.

"Kakashi sensei?" Naruto called innocently.

"Yes?" Kakashi said not looking up.

"You're an asshole!" Naruto yelled.

"Detention."

"I already have it!"

"For tomorrow." Kakashi said putting the box away. "Now for today's lesson."

"I don't want another damn lesson!" Kiba yelled.

By the end of class, they all had detention for the rest of the month.


	6. Chapter 6

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

"Guys I blew it." Naruto said taking his normal seat at his lunch table. On the opposite side of the long table sat Temari and Kabuto. The latter of the two looking a little bruised and battered.

"What did you do now?" Temari asked poking a fork at her salad.

Maybe she was Popeye? Naruto thought, she ate her veggies and got stronger. At that, Naruto started giggling thinking of Temari growing giant muscles.

"Why are you laughing?" Kabuto asked crossing his arms. He was annoyed. Not only did he almost get killed by the football team and then almost killed by Temari, steroids had to be steroids, but they ran out of his favorite food. How the heck do you run out of cheese burgers? That was all they mostly served!

"No reason." Naruto said giggling again.

"Naruto." Temari warned. He had to be laughing at her...what was it?

"Sorry," he said sobering instantly, "I insulted Sakura."

"I thought you got over the picking on the person you like?" Kabuto asked glaring at his chicken sandwich... if he wanted chicken, he'd of asked for it.

"Kabuto I stopped doing that last week. This time it was by accident." Naruto said rolling his eyes. No one did that anymore. Well maybe Kabuto because that was the only way he could talk to a girl. Temari didn't count because she was too much of a guy to be a girl.

"How was it a accident? Every time I see her I insult her on purpose." Temari said raising a brow. At the odd looks she was getting she glared, "I don't like her. She is annoying and lame, nothing more."

"That's because you're jealous, she's beautiful, intellegent, amazing, perfect... basically everything you're not." Naruto sighed, not seeing Kabuto's shocked look.

"Excuse me?" Temari said developing a tick.

Naruto's eyes widen, shaking his hands in front of his face he backtracked again for the second time that day, "That's because you're so much more then that. Anyways... I insulted Sakura because I got detention, or was it before I got detentiong?"

"That's nothing knew." Kabuto said glaring at a kid walking by with a cheese burger. That should be his. HIS!

"It is to! It wasn't even my fault!" Naruto yelled throwing his empty ramen bowl at Kabuto's head. Ramen the food of gods. "The football players did this to me! Now I have afterschool detention for a month with half of them! I'm going to be raped and defiled and Sakura will never love me again." at this, he thumped his head on the table.

"She didn't love you in the first place." Temari pointed out enjoying the suffering blonde.

"Well, thanks for the support." Naruto said sarcastically.

"Anytime."

"So what are you going to do?" Kabuto asked glaring at another person with a cheese burger. Were they mocking him?

"I don't know, skip every one or change it to another. Do you think Kakashi sensei would let me?"

"Nope. Not unless you bribe him." Temari smirked, let him suffer for insulting her.

"Thanks for bursting my bubble. I can't afford the books he loves and my mom would kill me if she saw me buying one." Naruto whined, "My life is over!"

"It never even started." Kabuto grinned evily. "Speaking of the devils, come Temari I think we have an assignment we have to finish."

"What assignment?" Temari questioned and then followed his gaze, "Oh that assignment. Later Naruto."

"Hey! I'm having a crises! I need support!" he yelled at their turned backs.

"I'll give you support." A voice said huskily into his ear.

"TEMARI! KABUTO! Come back!"

"Let them go, I'll keep you safe." Sora said taking a seat to his left.

"As if loser, come Naruto cry your beautiful tears into my arms." Jugo said taking the seat to his right.

"Get lost, Naruto doesn't want you, you foolish imbeciles." Itachi said wrapping his arms around gently around Naruto's neck.

"Or you Itachi." Sasuke said glaring from across the table.

"Why don't we settle this and have all of you disappear." Naruto said trying to escape.

"You heard him, get lost, un." Deidara glared beside Sasuke.

"Naruto, while they fight I have great news." Sai said pushing Sora off his seat and taking his place.

"You are all moving far far away?" Naruto guessed hopefully.

Sai laughed and said, "No silly, I will be spending the rest of the month in afterschool detention with you."

"WHAT!"

"I knew you'd be happy." Sai said.

"Happy! I'm not happy! Why are you doing this to me!" Naruto cried struggling in Itachi's grip. "Let go you baboon!" he yelled at Itachi.

"You heard him," Sasori said coming up to the table with Pain, Shino, Shikamaru, and Kiba.

"Don't you have girlfriends?" Naruto asked when Itachi just ignored them and started smelling Naruto's hair.

"You smell so pretty."

"You look so stupid! let go, you rotten banana!"

"Only the beginning of our relationships and your giving me pet names." Itachi smiled happily.

"There is no relationship, you're delusional!"

"You got that right." Kiba said glaring at Itachi. Neji, Choji, Haku, Suigetsu, Gaara, Kankuro, and Haku soon took their place pushing eachother out of the way to try and get closer to Naruto.

"Go Away." nothing

"I'm calling the police." Still ignoring him to fight with eachother.

"I'm telling my mother!" at that everyone went silent.

"I would love to meet your mother." Neji, who somehow ended up on his left said as he rubbed one hand on his thigh. That's when Naruto got an idea.

"Neji has his hands in places it doesn't belong!" he screamed. As one, the rest of the team looked at said boy and attacked togther. Leaving Naruto to escape. Score! With a grin, he got up and ran, only to spot cheerleaders in his wake. Not so happy cheerleaders. Not so happy and possibly dangerous cheerleaders. "Um, er, look a sale on purses!" he screeched and pointed. Afraid for his life, he turned and ran.

"Girls, today he gets away. Tomorrow if our boyfriends don't stop looking at him like they want to claim him, he's dead." Konan said to Tenten, Kin, Tayuya, Hinata, Sakura, Ino, and Fuuka.

"Deal." The others said glaring daggers at the blonde.

"Hey where is my Naruto?" Haku asked out of no where. The girls turned and stopped. Every guy on the football team looked like they've been to a war and back.


	7. Chapter 7

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

Naruto sighed for the too many to count time. This was it. Detention. All he had to do was open the door and walk in. So football players were in there. So they wanted to get in his pants. Naruto could do this. All he had to do was tighten his belt, using a chain, open the door, and walk in.

"Any time now hand." he said waiting for his hand to move. "Just reach up and grab it."

"Naruto why aren't you in detention?" Kakashi Sensei asked from behind him.

"Because my stupid hand won't open the door." Naruto said thankful his hand was to blame and not him.

"You wouldn't be trying to get out of it would you?"

"No sensei, I'm serious. Look!"

After two minutes Kakashi asked, "What am I looking at?"

"EXACTLY!" Naruto said happily that someone else saw his problem.  
"Naruto I don't have time for this." Kakashi said stepping around him and opening the door. "Get in."

"I hate you, you ruined my life. It's your fault for whatever happens to me. I hope you can live with yourse-" Naruto pouted stepping in and stopping quickly. "Kakashi sensei, why are _all_ the football players in here?"

"Because they all got detention." Kakashi said pushing Naruto in. "Go find a seat."

"But the only seat is in the middle of the class room!" Naruto yelled as he looked at all the football players winking and waving at him.

"Then go sit." Kakashi sighed taking his seat behind his desk.

"Can't I have your seat?"  
"No. Naruto if you don't sit in five minutes you will have detention for the rest of the school year."

"Can I-" Haku started to say

"No! I'll sit." Naruto gulped as he made his way to his chair of doom. Very slowly he sat and ducked down as far as possible.

"Alright, all of you are in detention for one reason or another. Rules are: no talking, no touching, texting, laughing, or moving. In fact, just sit there and stay still." Kakashi's words felt like heaven to Naruto. They couldn't molest him now. The joys of detention. "Now I'll be back in a bit, I have to take care of something first." Kakashi said bursting Naruto's bubble as he picked up his box from earlier and left.

"Come back." Naruto whispered watching the door close.

"Well now that he's gone... Hello Naruto." Sai said giving him a fake smile. "I saved you a seat."

"Get lost loser... Naruto, un." Deidara said from behind him, "I was thinking for our date this weekened we'd go to the movies."

"What date?" Naruto asked confused. He didn't remember saying yes to any date. In fact, he was pretty sure that didn't happen at all.

"Silly me I forgot to ask." Deidara said chuckling. "Naruto you will go out with me this weekened, un."

"That's not asking thats demanding!" Naruto yelled. "Hands off, don't you remember the rules!"

"Who cares about the rules." Shino said from beside Deidara, "But I agree, remove your hands from my blonde."

"Naruto ignore them." Haku said, touching Naruto's cheek to get the blonde to look at him. "Just think about me and all the fun we can have." Naruto froze when Haku rubbed a finger over his lips. He barley stopped himself from opening his mouth. What was wrong with him? He didn't like guys...although Haku was almost as pretty as the cheerleaders... No bad, bad. guys are bad. Girls are great.

"Haku I do hope you will remove yourself from my property." Gaara said glaring at him.

"I'm not property!" Naruto yelled free from Haku's spell. Pushing said boy's hand away, he yelled, "I'm a human being!"  
"Yes you are, you're mine." Itachi said getting out of his seat to stand beside Naruto.

Naruto threw his hands up in the air and glared, "Aren't you listening to me! I said I don't belong to anyone!"

"But you want to." Choji said winking again.  
"Stop winking at me! It's weird!"

"Enough!" Pain said before anyone could say anything else. "We will do this rationaly."  
"Do what?" Naruto asked confused.

"You say you don't belong to anyone, correct?" Sasori said.

Naruto nodded.

"So we will fight for your love. Instead of beating heads, we will woe you." Neji said smiling at him.  
Naruto nodded again before he realised what he said, "WHAT!"

"You are loud dobe." Sasuke said smirking, "I like that."  
"EW! You perv!" Naruto yelled getting out of his seat to move away from the younger Uchiha.

"So you chose me already?" Kankuro asked coming up behind him.

"NO!" Naruto said running forward only to run into Suigetsu, who somehow ended up there. "Me then, it is decided. Later losers." with that, he turned toward the doorway only to be stopped by Lee.

"I must insist you release my youthful love. He is in need of protecting but not by you, you unyouthful peer of my age." another blinding smile later he added, "Come my Naruto, let us live a life of youth!"

"NEVER!" Naruto said trying to see.

"God Lee, are you trying to blind us? How can I see Naruto's beauty if I can't see!" Sora demanded.

"You don't need to see him." Jugo said glaring and blinking at the same time.

"Nor do you." Shikamaru sighed, eyes closed. "Come on Naruto, I'm sure we would have fun on our date."

"I'm not going on a date with you!"

"Because he's going with me." Kiba said smacking his butt.

"You touched me on my butt." Naruto said shocked.

"KIBA!" the football team yelled attacking said boy.

Naruto never was one to look a gifted horse in the mouth... What did that even mean? Why would a horse be gifted? Did it have a gift-no think about it later. First run!

And once again Naruto ran wee, wee,wee, but this time he went all the way home.


	8. Chapter 8

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

The sun was shining, the birds where singing, and best of all, there would be no football players today. Naruto was in heaven. Saturday was heaven. It was a day to sit back and watch cartoons, not that he watched them or anything. Those were kid things to do...but if he was a kid, he'd wake up early, take his shower, possibly sing a song, then go down and watch cartoons...but since he wasn't a kid, he wouldn't do that...maybe.

With a smile on his face, he got up to take a shower. The whole time singing, "I'll never see a football player today! Today is Saturday! I don't have homework either! I'm not a fan of Justin beiber! I love Saturday! YAY!"

Man he should be a singer or something. Even the birds flew away in jealousy. Suck it birds! Bask in the voice of Naruto Uz-

"Naruto!" his father called.

"Yeah Dad?" he pouted, unable to finish his inner dialog.

"Your friends are here!"

"Stop yelling!" he heard his mother scold.

"Sorry!" both blondes yelled together.

"Naruto don't keep your friends waiting." his mother said.

"Okay!" Naruto yelled pulling on a shirt. He wondered what Temari and Kabuto were doing here. "I'll be right down!" maybe he forgot something again...

"Naruto." His mother warned again.

"Sorry mom!"

A few minutes later Naruto came running to the front door as he opened it, he said, "Temari, Kabuto, did I forget- AH! WQhat are you doing here!" he yelled pointing at his arch enemies. didn't they hear his song? It clearly said no footballer today! Next think you know, Justin Beiber was going to pull up in a limo confessing his love! Great, his Saturday was offically over. He didn't even get to watch cartoons! Shame them all to the nonramen stands times ten! That's right, he went there.

"Naruto is that anyway to greet your friends?" Minato asked crossing his arms and lifting a brow.

"DAD! They aren't my friends!" Naruto protested trying to close the door his father currently had his foot in.

"Naruto."  
"Dad they are trying to molest me!" Naruto screeched pushing against the door with his shoulder. "MOVE!"

"Naruto." his mother said coming out of the kitchen.

"Sorry mom." Naruto pouted giving up on the door. "I feel sick can I go to bed? Great!" Naruto smiled, skipping off or trying to anyway since currently his dad was holding him by the back of shirt. "Dad there seems to be a problem here."

"Naruto go outside and play with your friends." Minato said pulling him back to the door.

"Dad ple-"

"Go!" Minato said opening the door and pushing him out.

"Dad I can't-"

"Go have fun." Minato said waving goodbye and shutting the door.

"Dad please let me in!" Naruto yelled banging on the door. "MOMMY!"

"Naruto, you look lovely today." Itachi said from behind him.

Naruto froze afraid to move. Maybe if he'd stayed still they wouldnt be able to see him.

"Naruto we decided we couldn't go a day without you." Haku said skipping up to him and turning him around. "So we decided to play football with you."

"But I don't-" Naruto started only to be stopped by Sasuke.

"Great lets go." and with a protesting Naruto in front of them, they walked the six blocks to the park. Half way there he realized they were all staring at his butt. EW!


	9. Chapter 9

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

"Okay everyone lets pick teams." Itachi said taking charge. "I'll be one captain, Pain you be the other."

"Fine." and so the picking began.

In the end Itachi ended up with Deidara, Sasuke, Neji, Choji, Shikamrau, and Kiba.

And Pain ended up with Sasori, Shino, Sora, Suigetsu, Jugo, Sai, Gaara, and Kankuro.

Haku and Naruto had yet to be picked. Haku, not because he wasn't good, in fact he was one of the best, but because both teams wanted Naruto. Everytime they tried picking him the other team would threaten and basicaly attack.

"Naruto while they fight it out, why don't I show you how to play." Haku said wrapping his arm around Naruto's waist to bring him closer, "Maybe you can-"

"Whatever it is, save it you perv!" Naruto yelled pushing him away.

"It'll be fun." Haku said not giving up.

"What would be fun?" Sasuke asked stalking over to them. "Haku please tell me you aren't touching my dobe."

"Yours, Ha! Don't make me laugh Sasuke." Haku said wrapping himself around Naruto again. Naruto had to admit people fighting over him gave him a happy feeling. Normaly people ususally faught with him. This was kind of a fun change...NO! It was not! Shame on you mind for thinking such things!

"Funny, I was about to say the same thing." Sai said pushing Haku away. "Naruto let me draw you."

"Draw me?" Naruto asked confused.

"Yes, _draw_ all of you." Sai whispered into his ear. "Every little detail." and when his hand began running up the back of Naruto's thigh he knew what he meant.

"YOU BIG PERVERT!" Slap.

And down Sai went like a sack of potatoes. "I...um...oops." Naruto said scratching the back of his head before looking around and bolting.

"Did you see..." Deidara started only to watch Sai on the ground in aw.

"No ones ever knocked Sai out." Choji said.

"With a slap..." Shikamaru said. "With that kind of force he must like it ruff."

Like one they pictured what they would do with their blonde. Sadly, Choji's fantasy revolved around Naruto and food.

It was Neji that broke the image first, "And he's all mine." with that he took off running after his blonde.

"Not if I get him first." Sasuke smirked, running after Neji. If anyone was getting the blonde it was him.

Naruto slowed to a walk when he thought he was out of range of his stalking molesting perves. Or so he thought. What was that noise? Looking around he tried to pin point it. It sounded like a herd of elephants or... "Football players!" He cried pointing at said people running after him. "STAY AWAY!" he yelled running.

"Naruto!" they yelled trying to get him to stop.

"Leave me alone!" Naruto yelled taking off his shoes and throwing them at his stalkers. Then he watched in shock as they all stopped to try and catch them only to start a rumble over them. "Wait until I tell my mom that someone does want my stinky shoes." he gasped.

"Naruto!" honk honk.

"Kabuto what are you doing here?" Naruto asked walking up to his best friend, his mind completely forgetting about running away. It was rude not to talk to your friends. He was raved properly.

"I went to your house to get you but you werent there. I got your book though." Kabuto said lifting up the spell book. "Temari wants to see it again, so get your blonde behind in the car."

"How do you know my butt is blonde? It could be blue." Naruto said stubbernly refusing to get in the car. How dare Kabuto assume things about him!

"Does it matter?"

"YES!" Naruto said stubbernly.

Kabuto sighed, why oh why was this his and Temari's idiot? "Fine your butt is blue, can we go?"

"No."

"But I-"  
"I want you to say my butt is awesome." Naruto said pouting childishly.

"Why are we talking about your butt? FINE! It's awesome, now get in the car before I let them get you!"

"Okay." Naruto said jumping in. "Look Sasuke got my shoes!" Naruto giggled.

"Why would anyone want your smelly shoes?"

"Ask them." Naruto said waving good bye to the people he left behind. "Hey they're giving chase! STEP ON IT!"

"Don't have to tell me twice." Kabuto said flooring it. There was no way he was going to die by football players.

=^.^=

"It's about time you get here." Temari said. "Okay where's the book?" she asked pushing them into her room.

"Right here." Kabuto said handing it to her. "Saved our idiot by the way."  
"How?" Temari asked distractedly flipping through the book. "Naruto what spell did you use?"

"I was okay, I think they only got my liceces plate though." Kabuto said sarcatically, "Not like they are going to find and attempt to kill me, just saying."

"I used this one." Naruto said ignoring Kabuto.

"**Princes of the ton.**" Temari read, "Didn't that kind of give it away?"

"It's okay, I dont mind dying so young. Let the footballers kill me for taking their boy toy." Kabuto went on when they ignored him.

"I didn't read it. I only skimmed and then read the poem thingy." Naruto explained pouting.

"For my grave stone can you put something along the lines of 'Die Naruto Die!"

"Can you fix me?" Naruto asked giving Temari puppy eyes.

"Stop with the eyes already! I was going to do it anyway. Where did you get this book?" Temari asked, reading and rereading the spell.

"I want to wear my black suit. Not the one with the blue tie but the one with the white one." Kabuto went on.

"At that new book store that opened up." Naruto said trying to think of the name. "You know that one by the shoe store and the corndog place Kabuto got sick at?"

"I want my black shiny shoes not the dull ones." Kabuto added finding paper to write all of this down. His funeral was going to be perfect. No way was he going out like a bag of poo.

"You mean the one with that creepy guy?" Temari asked. "Kabuto shut up about your funeral, before I bury you in a box in my back yard!"

"Hmph." Kabuto said glaring, "You have no respect for the dead."

"You're not dead." Naruto pointed out. "Even I know that. Man and people call me dumb." Naruto said shaking his head at Kabuto glaring form.

"Lets go to the book store." Temari said trying not to strangle idiot one and two. "Naruto where's your shoes?"

"Oh the footballers took them." Naruto explained. "Then I threw my socks out of the car, because walking in socks is gross."

"I see... wear these." Temari said giving him her black flipflops.

"But they're for girls."

"And I'll make you a girl if you don't put them on."

"Fine." Naruto said pouting.

"Lets go."

=^.^=

"This is it." Naruto said once all three were outside the book store.

"Then lets go in." Temari said walking in with her boys behind her.

"Can I help you?" A man said walking out from the back.

"Yeah," Temari said taking the lead, "tell us how to reverse this spell."

"Hmm, girls these day play with things they don't understand." The man said.

"Wait a second this isn't for me!" Temari protested dragging Naruto in front of her. "He's the one that cast it."

"Hi." Naruto said smiling there was no need to be rude. "I'm Naruto."

"Orochimaru a pleasure to meet you." The man said shaking Naruto's hand.

"Now that we got that over with," Naruto started sweetly, "TELL ME HOW TO GET RID OF THIS THING!"

"There is only one way." Orochimaru said smirking. "You have to fall in love."

"Oh, I'm already in love. Sakura is my future wife." Wow! that was easier then he thought. Pat on the back and a golden star to him!

"Unless this Sakura is a man then I highly doubt it is love."

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked, not really listening.

"If you were deeply in love with this Sakura then the spell wouldn't have worked."

"But of course I love her!" Naruto protested.

"Almost impossible to love a girl when you are attracted to men." Orochimaru explained.

"I knew it!" Kabuto said throwing his hands in the air, "Temari twenty bucks, pass them over!"

"Damn it!" Temari grumbled pulling a twenty from her pocket.

Naruto ignored them as he banged his hands on the counter, "I'm not gay!"

"You have to be to get this spell to work." Orochimaru said pointing to the title, "Only woman or gay men can get it to work."

"But I like girls and boobies!" hehe, boobies.

"Then you lie to yourself."

"But... but... but..."

"It doesn't matter how many but's you say you are still attracted to men. Now the only way for this spell to wear off is to fall in love with one of your suiters." Orochimaru said closing the book, "If I was you I'd choose the most attractive one."

"But... but... but..." Naruto said dully allowing Temari and Kabuto to drag him out of the store.

"So...I say you take Gaara." Temari said. "He's scary and very possessive, he'd make you feel like a queen."

"No go with one of the Uchiha brothers." Kabuto said, "They have more money."

"But... but... but..."


	10. Chapter 10

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

After hearing that disturbing news, Naruto did the one thing he was good at, he ran. Now he was in his room with a giant army bag, that he had no idea where he got it from, but that didn't matter because it fit all of his favorite clothes. His teddy bear... he needed a friend! He couldnt pack his shoes because he didn't have any. And besides, Temari's let his feet breathe and be admired.

"Guess I'll have to steal, er... borrow them until I can get another pair." Naruto sighed. "At least my toes look pretty." he added admiring his pretty toes being shaped by the black flip flops

"Naruto what are you doing?" his father asked watching from the doorway. "I hope you clean this mess before you mother gets home... why is your underwear all over your bed?"

"Bcause I can't decided which ones I want to take. I like the blue ones but the green ones have frogs... oh and the orange one's have little cute foxes. See, aren't they cute!" Naruto placed his hands on his waist. "Man running away is so hard to do."

"Running away?" Minato exclaimed in shock. "Why are you running away?"

"Because of THEM!" Naruto yelled. "Man and people say your parents are supposed to know you best... I'll take one of each." Naruto decided putting his underwear in his bag. "Food...I need food. Ramen!"  
Grabbing his giant bag he ran out of the room only to be jerked back and land on his butt. "Hey! In the process of running away here!"

"Naruto why are you running away? Is it your mother? I know she can be scary at times but that doesn't mean you can just abandon me-us." Minato said reaching down to pick up Naruto and hugging him with all of his might. "I mean, what would happen to me- us, if you left? My-our world would be full of pain and unimaginable agony!"

"Dad." Naruto struggled to breath but that didn't seem to stop his dad from going on.

"She'd kill me or worse, focus her attention on me! How can you do that to me!" Minato yelled freaking out and shaking Naruto by his shoulders. In his mind he saw doomsday.

"DAD!" Naruto yelled, "I'm going to barf!"

"Ew!" Minato yelled dropping him quickly and scooting back like a girl. "I mean," clearing his throat he went on, "Son use the toilot."

"Dad I think my brain fell out." Naruto said standing on shaking legs.

"Naruto it fell out the day I dropped you on your head three times."

"What!" Naruto yelled.

"Kidding!" Minato said nervously. "Just a joke and nothing more...why are you running?"

"I'm not running, I'm taking the bus. Running would be a waste of energy." Naruto said. "Did you really drop me on my head three times?"

"No...who said that? Whoever did is lying!" Minato said quickly. "So why are you leaving?"

"Because the football players... is that why I have an oddly shaped head that I hide under my hair?"

"Naruto just drop the falling subject! Geeeesssss! You are like your mother. You pick at things way beyond the no return point." Minato said glaring. "Now answer my question."

"Um... what was it?" Naruto asked. Curse his mind for not remembering anything important.

"Why. Are. You. Running?"

"Oh because the football players are trying to molest me." Naruto said waving his hand. "Dad that's old news."

"It is?" Minato asked confused. since when did the football players have a thing for Naruto. Not that he was saying his son was ugly, he wasn't, he's just wasn't the smartest kid to ever walk the earth. Heck smart didn't even enter Naruto's world. It didn't orbit around Naruto's world.

"Yes. Dad, they are confessing their love to me, I'm pretty sure they want to marry me. I mean Sasuke even kept my shoes."

"Your stinky shoes? Is that why you have girl flip flops on?" Minato asked.

"Yep. Temari lent me hers." naruto said.

"Oh okay. For a second there I thought you were going to start dressing like a girl. I almost thought I'd have a daughter."

"You are no help! Curse you to the nonramen stands!" Naruto pouted grabbing his bag and making his dad gasp in shock at the insult. "Well dad it was nice knowing you and I promise one day I'll write since you're so old you don't know what facebook." giving his father a hug he attempted to walk out again, but then he went back to hug his dad. He was going to miss this big lug of a man.

"You can't leave." Minato said.  
"Dad one day you were going to have to let me go. This is the day." Naruto said sniffling. He would not cry.

"Naruto." Minato said letting his son go and watching amused as Naruto kept hugging him.

"No dad, just let it be. I love you and mom but this is my time to go. To make a name for myself." Naruto said starting to sob, his boogers mixing into Minato's shirt. Minato decided he was going to need a bath.

"But-"

"Daddy just let me go!" Naruto said crying with all of his heart, clinging on to his father.

"Naruto!" Minato yelled.

"Daddy Don't let me go!" Naruto cried with tears running down his face. "Oh daddy I don't want to run away! With my cutness someone is bound to rape me!" He yelled hugging Minato tightly. "I'm so glad you stopped me!"

"Well I'm glad that's settled." Minato said. To be honest, he forgot he was supposed to be stopping his son from running away. He was just trying to get Naruto to take his coat. "Now son, why don't you clean up your room and I'll go make you a sunday."

"But dad it's Saturday." Naruto said rolling his eyes. "Sunday does not happen on Saturdays. Gosh and your not even fourty yet. How quickly do old people lose their memory."

Minato was so not getting into that one. It would be impossible to explain why a sunday was called a sunday...and he was not old! He was only thirty six! He was only twenty when Naruto was born! That's right he was a young stud! "Of course, lets go get some ramen then."

"YES!" and there went Naruto running like a maniac. "Hurry Dad! I need RAMEN!"

"How did he get to the kitchen so fast?" Minato wondered.

=^.^=

"So you tried to run away?" Temari asked.

"Yep but my father stopped me and gave me ramen." Naruto said smiling at the memory. "My dad may be kind of dumb, but he can cook ramen."

"Dumb?" Temari questioned. Sure Naruto's dad 'accidently' may have given him stuff he wasn't supposed to give to kids, but he was pretty smart. He had to have been for being the CEO of Uzumaki/Namikaze Inc.

"Yep." Naruto said.

"Was this after you left us today?" Kabuto asked.

"Yeah, but now I'm back and ready to face my...problems." Naruto gulped.

"So you accept you're gay?"

"NO!"

"Then how are we going to fix this?" Temari asked.

"We are going to find me my true love." Naruto said happily.

"But in order to do that you have to accept your gay." Kabuto argued.

"No."  
"Yes."  
"No."

"YES!"

"NO!"

"ENOUGH!" Temari yelled loudly. "Naruto if we do this you admit you're gay."

"No I'm not!" Naruto said childisly.

"How are you not gay?"

"Because I'm not going to be going from one guy to the next. I'm going to fall in love with only one person."

"Which means you're gay if it's a guy." Kabuto pointed out.

"No."  
"Kabuto this is pointless he'd argue with us until we're dead." Temari sighed. "Okay Naruto what do you want to do?"

"I want you to do what you do and take over stuff. Then I'll pick the person I love and I'll live happily ever after."

"I'm pretty sure that's another sign of gay." Kabuto muttered.

"Okay." Temari said. "First let's elimate every guy that has a girlfriend."

"Yeah I don't wanna die." Naruto said nodding.

"So that gets rid of..."

=^.^=

"So we are all gathered here today-"  
"Temari this isn't a wedding." Naruto hissed hiding behind a scared Kabuto who kept flinching as the glares increased.

"Fine... Okay all of you are football players in love with our idiot, er blonde, your blonde." Temari said catching herself, almost got murdered by her brothers. "So we decided we are going to set challenges to see who gets to date him."

"When do they start?" Gaara asked.

"Put me first Temari, I'm your brother." Kankuro said.

"First we need to do an elimination round." Temari said quickly before anyone else could say anything.

"Fine with me. The less foolish idiots' here the faster I get my blonde," Itachi said.

"Okay... I need you to seperate in two groups. If I call your name, move to my right if I don't stay were you are." temari went on.

"Hurry Temari they're killing me with there eyes." Kabuto hissed.

"Lets begin... Kiba, Suigetsu, Kankuro, Pain, Lee, Shikamaru, Neji, and Deidara." Temari waited until they all moved. "Okay goodbye to all of you guys. It was nice knowing you but you are not what we are looking for."

"WHAT!" they yelled in shock.

"Well you already have girlfriends, and don't LIE!" Naruto yelled.

"I do not." Suigetsu said looking away.

"Do to!"

"Naruto hush!" Temari hissed. "Suigetsu you're dating Kin, and before any of you else say you're single, lets make a list, shall we? Kiba you're with Hinata. Kankuro you're with Tayuya. Pain you're with Konan. Lee you started dating Sakura four days ago. Neji you and Tenten have been together for like ever. And Deidara you're with Fuuka, which is really weird because I always thought you were gay too. Enough said. goodbye." Temari waved.

"So we are all that's left." Itachi said glaring at the others in his group. Haku, Sasori, Sasuke, Choji, Shino, Sora, Jugo, Sai, Gaara, and Kimimaro.

"Yep we'll start the dating round on Saturday-" Temari started.

"Wait!" Sora yelled quickly. "Jugo is dating that weird chick Karin."

"Shut up, we broke up this morning." Jugo glared.  
"Right, goodbye." Naruto said waving.

"But Naruto I love you!"

"I love my mom, but that doesn't mean I'm going to date her!" Naruto shouted.

"Naruto!  
"Out! I said out!"

"But-"

"Don't make me curse you with the ramen gods!"

"So that only leaves us ten for you to choose from." Temari said, hand over the blonde's mouth as she lead him away. "Kabuto lets go."

"I can't, my feet are stuck." Kabuto said trying to move.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Temari growled dragging him behind her.

"Haha, Kabuto got in trouble!" Naruto said skipping.

"Haha, you're going to be butt raped on your date." Kabuto glared then smirked when Naruto fell over.

"Only if you want to." Temari said quickly.

"But...But...But..."

"Here he goes again." Kabuto said.


	11. Chapter 11

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story**

"Will everyone please make their way to the gym." someone announced over the intercom. "I repeat, will everyone please make their way to the gym, thank you."

With a groan the student body did as told and when the last student came in to the gym the doors were shut and all the lights but one turned off.

With cries of surprise, people waited to see what would happen next. Whispers quickly spread throughout the student body and teachers alike. Each thinking they were going to be killed or something.

"Shut up!" Someone screamed into a microphone. Like one, everyone covered their ears and flinched at the girly scream.

"Naruto you idiot!" Someone else screamed a manly scream, causing another painful groan from everyone.

"Temari! That hurt!" Yet again it happened. People heard a slight shuffle for the microphone. Lots of cursing and smacking noises until two blonde's made their way to the light each refusing to let go of the prize in their hands.  
"Naruto let go!"

"You let go!"

"I'm going to let them rape you!" and just like that Naruto backed off.

With a smirk Temari turned to the bleachers and said, "Welcome one and all to a special treat-"  
"Temari hurry up I'm getting bored." Naruto whinned dramatically.

"Naruto..."

"Hmph." the small blond said crossing his arms and pouting. To the side, hidden in the dark were a few perverted boys wishing to do naughty things to him.

"Like I was saying, with permission from the lady in charge, a.k.a Mrs. Tsunade, we were allowed to have this special assembly. I know you are all wondering what it is-"  
"Tell them!" Naruto screeched catching Temari off guard, with a grin he ran and took the microphone and said quickly, "The football players that are in love with me, because who wouldn't be, are going to sing for every one of you and the ones with the best voice will move on to the next round. Ha!" Naruto snickered at Temari who glared at having her shine taken away.

"Now who are the guys trying to win my heart?" he was on a role here. Check him out in his bad self. That's right.

"ME!" Jugo yelled running out of the audience only to be tackled by Haku, Sasori, Sasuke, Itachi, Choji, Shino, Sora, Sai, Gaara, and Kimimaro from different sides.

"NEVER!" Naruto screeched and, before he could go on ranting, Temari took back what was rightfully hers.

"Them minus the freak at the bottom of the pile. So with out farther delay, lets let the game begin." She said pointing.

"American idol style!" Naruto yelled joyfully.

A few minutes later more lights joined the lonely one because it needed a friend. To one side of the floor Kabuto stood by himself and began to speak, "Welcome to Highschool idol! I'm your host Kabuto-"

"Hurry up!" Naruto screamed a girly scream taking his seat upon the throne that the football players made just for him in the center of the gym. They were so nice to make him a chair.

"Anyways," Pointed glare at Naruto, Kabuto went on, "Allow me to introduce our judges our own Simon, our counsler Mr. Orochimaru." Lots of boo's were heard. Orochimaru glared and promised them hell with his eyes.

"Our Randy is our perverted janitor Mr. Jiraiya." Louder boo's from the girls and hurrays from the guys. Jiraiya punched his fist in the air.

"And last but not least, the lady in charge herself, our own Paula, Ms. Tsuande." At this no one made a noise. Tsunade grew a small tick above her eye

"Now let's bring our first contestant, Temari?"

Everyone looked toward Temari who was standing beside Sai. "Okay, our first contestant is Sai. Shut up!" Temari screamed as people cheered. Fearing her warth, they did as told. "Sai what will you be singing?"

"I will be singing 'A moment like this' by Kelly Clarkson."

Temari stared at him in shock for the longest time before she spoke..."Okay then... Kabuto?"

With a nod Kabuto started the song when Sai moved over to Naruto.

"If I Told you it was meant to be..."  
"Next!" Naruto screamed covering his ears. The painful voice making him want to die.

But still Sai went on. "Would you believe me...  
"God make it stop!" Jiraiya yelled.

"Lalalalalala." Orochimaru cried covering his ears.

"MY EARS!" Tsunade shouted.

Out of no where Kakashi and Iruka Sensei dragged off the still screaming, I mean singing Sai.

"I doubt we need to hear anything more on him... Let's pretend it didn't happen." Kabuto suggested. But like everyone else, he knew he'd have nightmares. "Temari?"

"Ummmm, Oh, next up is Choji... Choji what are you singing?"

"'Sexy' by Black Eyed Peas."

"Okay... Kabuto?"

Again the music started and people held their breath.

"I took your picture..." Much to everyone's shock he was really good. "With one particular reason and it's to captuer your character..."  
"Stalker!" Naruto screeched trying to run but it was impossible because he was tied down. How that happened no one knew.

Kabuto stopped the music... "Judges?"

"That was beautiful." Orochimaru said in tears.

"Hollywood, think of all the chicks you could get or chicks I could get if I was your manager." Jiraiya sighed in bliss.

"I pass him." Tsuande nodded.

"Choji, you are going to the next stage." Kabuto said and flinched as cheers exploded.

"No!" Naruto cried, "He's a stalker!"  
"But I'm your stalker." Choji said blowing him a kiss and moving to the pass section. Naruto shuddered and dodged the kiss or as much as he could being tied up. Seriously how did that happen?

"Next up we have Gaara." Temari said, "What are you singing?"

Gaara just stared at her and she stared back. This went on for a long time. The stare down was becoming so intense people were sweating in their seats.

"He passes." All three judges said quickly fearing that if they failed him he would kill them.

With a smirk from the red head and a screech from the idiot, aka Naruto, Gaara moved to sit beside Choji.

"Okay then, Sasori what are you singing?"

"'I know how to love you well' by Tim Mcgraw."

Kabuto started the music again. Naruto found it odd that Kabuto already had these songs in the radio, he must be gifted with unimaginable powers. Little did he know that Kabuto had asked ahead of time what they would be singing and so it was no surpise that Gaara did not sing. However, Kabuto did have to change his pants after their talk.

"It's been-"

"NEXT!" Everyone screamed now thinking that Sai's voice was an angels. With a glare Sasori stalked off.

"Haku you're next. What are you singing?" Temari asked.

"'Dreaming of you' by Celine Dion."

Once more the music started.

"Lying in my bed, thoughts in my head, visions of you but I can't get through the night." Haku sang. His voice was so beautiful that angels had to be jealous of him. "So pick up the phone I know you're home Your playin with my heart"  
"Winner!" Naruto yelled. Anyone that could sing like that was perfect for him. They could now sing in harmony.

"YES!" Haku shouted running to his blonde only to be blocked by the two singers that passed, Choji and Gaara.

"Not yet." they all glared.

Before a fight could break out, Tsunade declared Haku was moving on to the next stage.

"Sasuke you're up, what are you singing?"

"Ding Dong Song." Sasuke said with a smirk.

Before anyone could ask what that was the music started and Sasuke began his sexy dance. "Oh you touch my tralala," At this he grabbed himself with one hand as the other moved up his body, turning to Naruto he went on, "mmm... my ding ding dong. La la la la la..." many La la's later he went on as he moved in a stripper way that caused lost of glazed looks and nose bleeds, "Oh you touch my tralala..."

When the whole song was done, Sasuke walked over to the dazed blond and kissed his cheek before moving to the winner circle.

"So hot." Temari declared before jerking out of her daze when Itachi took the mike, "I'm next, Kabuto?"

The music started again and people quickly snapped out of it when Itachi started to sing the same song. Sasuke glared and Itachi smirked but kept on dancing. All around, people fainted with the blood loss and when the song ended again no one moved. Copying Sasuke, Itachi kissed Naruto and went a step farther by placing it on his neck. Then he joined the others.

"I think we are done." Temari said completely ignoring the remaining three. One because Sora was passed out on the floor. Two because Kimimaro was now staring hungrily at the Uchiha brothers and three because Shino just freaked her out.

"So our winners are, Itachi and Sasuke for obviouse reasons." Kabuto said stepping around the blood to move to Naruto's side which by the way the winners stood around.

"Gaara because he scares the crap out of us." Temari added following Kabuto's lead as they both untied the blond.

"Haku because he has an angel's voice and Choji because he can sing." Kabuto finished. "Until next time this is Kabuto signing out and we'll see you next time. Good night."

Just like that it was over. Naruto was lead out by Temari and Kabuto the winners followed with Itachi and Sasuke glaring at each other and finally the students that were to dazed to do anything else.

When it was just the judges Orochimaru quickly left because he wanted to stalk the Uchiha brothers. Tsuande quickly left because she needed sake and Jiraiya cursed when he realized he had to clean up the gym.


	12. Chapter 12

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

"Tell us why we are here again?" Itachi asked as he along with his brother, Choji, Haku, and Gaara, stood in a random park with Kabuto.  
"Well you see, I'm going to, uh, give you, your, um, next challenge... yep next challenge." Kabuto nodded as sweat formed on his brow. Please don't kill me!

"What is it?" Choji asked munching on chips.

Man he could eat! Kabuto thought, if he ate the way Choji did, he'd be bigger then a bus or a house or a plane or... "You are going to have a bake off."

"Bake off?" Sasuke blinked.  
"Yep. You five are going to baking for Naruto. The ones that bakes the best will move on to the next and final round."

"What are we making?" Haku asked.

"Desserts. Naruto loves dessert." Kabuto said digging into his bag. "I took the liberty in finding each of you a recipe that Naruto loves. Sasuke you are making brownies, not store bought, it has to be homemade or Naruto won't eat it. Trust me." The memories of the time that he had fed Naruto store bought, bouncing through his mind. Scary stuff.  
"Hn. Might as well send me to the next round then." Sasuke smirked taking his recipe.

"Itachi, you are making a cherry pie. Again homemade." Kabuto said handing the older raven his recipe.

"Of course." Itachi nodded. On the outside he was all confident. On the inside he was freaking out. He was not allowed near the stove or anything in the kitchen for that matter. Everytime he was in the kitchen something blew up. Last time it was the toaster.  
Sasuke of course knew all of this and smirked at his brothers silent freak out. Itachi was sure to lose.

"Gaara, you are making cupcakes. Naruto likes all kinds. I printed off three that he likes and you can just choose one."

Gaara nodded but said nothing as he took his recipes.  
"Choji you are making a vanila cake with any icing."

"I don't need that, I'm an amazing baker." Choji boasted shaking off the recipe. He'd have Naruto eating out of the palm of his hand soon.

"Haku you get a cheese cake." Kabuto said. "Now tonight at seven meet here with your desserts."

=^.^=

Sasuke hummed as he mixed the brownie batter. Naruto was going to love his creation. He was going to confess his love after he ate a piece of heaven from Sasuke's pale hand. Then they'd make love and live happily ever after.

With a smirk, Sasuke gently poured the homemade brownie mix into a pan.

"Now for the frosting."

=^.^=  
Itachi stood just outside his uncles kitchen with his stuff that he'd be needing in hand. All he had to do was go into the kitchen and make it.

Taking a giant gulp of air and then another he slowly put one toe on to the kitchen floor. Holding his breath he waited for something to happen. When nothing did he took another step.

Four hours later found him finally at the counter.

Another found him slowly opening and pulling everything out of the bags.

Another hour found him slowly reaching for his uncles mixture.

Ten seconds later found Itachi covered in smoke and the kitchen destroyed.

"What the hell happened!" His Uncle Madara yelled angrily.

"It exploded." Itachi coughed and smoke came out.

=^.^=  
Gaara followed the recipe to a T. He made sure everything was the exact amount right down to the last measurement. If it was over or under, he poured everything out, washed his dishes, and started over again. His Dad wasn't happy with the amount of wasted food, but he did nothing when Gaara sent him a look.

Reaching for the sugar he frowned. There were to jars filled with white powder. Which one was the one he needed?

With a frown he reached for the one on the right.

=^.^=  
Choji sang as he put the finishing touches on the cake. The frosting was a beautiful orange color that he had made himself.

Stepping back he smiled. It was perfect. It was the perfect shape, color, size, taste... How did he know it was the perfect taste? He had yet to try it. He wouldn't want to give Naruto something not worthy of his mouth.  
"I'll taste it to see if it's good." He decided as he reached for a fork.

=^.^=

Haku was pleased with the outcome of his cheese cake. It was absolutly beautiful and worthy of being in a magazine.

With a smile he looked at the clock.

"I shoud get going." He said outloud as he placed his cheese cake on a silver pan and covered it with a matching lid.

=^.^=

Temari, Naruto, and Kabuto blinked at the sight of Itachi. The guy stood holding a badly dented dish pan as he stood covered in grime, ash, and who knew what else.

The other four people standing beside a pouting Uchiha snickered at his appearance.

"Let's start. We'll start with Sasuke." Temari said as Sasuke walked up to the blonde and presented his dessert with a bow.

"I hope you enjoy them."  
Naruto reached in and pinched off a piece. "OH MY GOD!" he yelled in bliss. "THESE ARE THE BEST BROWNIES EVER!" getting another piece he moaned.

Temari and Kabuto quickly took a piece as well and sighed in pleasure. "This is better then sex." Temari moaned as everyone moved away.

"Gross." Naruto remarked trying not barf as he thought of Temari getting it on with anyone.

"Let's move on." Kabuto decided as Sasuke stepped aside. "Itachi?"

Itachi sighed as he slowly moved to Naruto. Holding out his pan he held his breath as he prayed for it not to blow up.

"What is this?" Naruto asked reaching in and pulling out a rock.  
"It's a cherry pie." Itachi stated.  
"It looks like a rock." Kabuto stated.

"A rock that died and came back." Naruto nodded.

"Rocks can't die." Temari rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry Itachi but your road ends here." she said gently as she handed him back his roc-cherry pie.

Itachi sighed as he slowly moved away with the roc-cherry pie.

"Why is he moving so slowly?" Haku asked.

"Because of this," Sasuke smirked. "ITACHI!" he screamed causing his brother to jump and, shockinly to all of them but Sasuke, the pan blew up.

"Moving on." Temari said as Itachi now stood their covered in more ash. "Choji."

Choji blushed as he brought his tray covered cake over.

With such excitement Naruto lifted the lid and... frowned. "Um... Choji where's the cake?"

"It's right there." Choji said pointing at the tray.  
"That's a crumb." Kabuto pointed out.

"It was part of the cake." Choji defeneded himself.

"So where's the rest of if?" Temari asked.

"I...ate it." Choji confessed.

"You ate my cake?" Naruto asked with wide eyes. "That's it this relationship is over!"

"But Naruto you don't understand!" Choji cried.

"I don't need to, there are two things important to me. One is my total cuteness and two is dessert! Now get!"

With sagging shoulders Choji left with his 'cake'. "Can I at least have the last bite?"

"There's nothing left!" Kabuto yelled.

"So...is that a yes?" Choji asked.  
"Whatever." Temari sighed. "Gaara you're next."

Gaara nodded and moved forward. Holding his cup cakes up he waited as Naruto, Temari, and Kabuto each took one.

"These look delicious." Temari stated shock that her brother made these.

As one the three took a bite and as one they spit it all over Gaara.

"These taste like crap!" Naruto said.  
"Very salty." Kabuto remarked as he tried to get rid of the salty after taste.  
"Did you put a carten of salt in there!" Temari demanded holding her tongue out with one hand as she wiped it with the other.

"NEXT!" Naruto yelled as Gaara glared and walked off.

"That'll be me." Haku smiled sweetly causing all three to sigh in awe at the angel before them. "I made cheese cake."

Not waiting to be told twice Naruto ripped off the lid and took a bite. "Now that is cheese cake!" He yelled eating more. When Kabuto and Temari tried to get some Naruto growled like an animal and took off running with the cheese cake. Kabuto and Temari screaming after him.

"It seems it's me and you Uchiha." Haku smiled.

"Hn." Sasuke smirked holding out his brownies for Haku to get one.

"MINE!" Naruto screamed running past them.

"Give me some!" Temari yelled.

"Naruto!" Kabuto screamed as Naruto yet again ran past them, his face covered in cheese cake and brownies in his hand.

"When did he..." Sasuke trailed off as he looked at his empy pan.

"MINE!"


	13. Chapter 13

**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

This was it. On this night, Naruto would no longer be a single-newly-found-but debateable-possibly-or-not-at-all-because-it-was-entirely-be-by-chance-who-happened-to-be-soon-dating-a-male-because-of-love-so-it-didn't-make-him-gay man.

On this night he would give his rose and his heart away. Hehe, his rose. If Temari heard him think that she'd think something else but he wasn't talking about that. Although sooner or later that too would be up on the table. The rose in question was a red perfectly bloomed rose that he would be giving to the new love of his life. All they had to do was woo him on a date and make him fall in love.

Who would he choose?

Sasuke, the pervert that was always trying to molest him at school now a days because only he and Haku were in the running.

Or Haku, the sweet kind guy that gave him candy everyday much to Temari's and Kabuto's horror. Naruto and sugar did not mix. Look at what happened at the bake off.

Fixing his tie and taking a breath he paled. Oh god, he was going to be pretty much married to a guy!

When he told his parents about all of this they just blinked and nodded. Then they sent him to bed at two in the afternoon and went to have their secret talk. Of course Naruto was having none of that. He fought their orders like a pro until his dad changed him into his pj's and gave him his teddy as his mom tucked him in and gave him his juice. With soft music playing in the background he fell asleep.

When he woke up he realized he had been had and immeditaly ran down stairs to confront his parents. This time he was the one that blinked and nodded. His mother was talking on six phones at once as she ordered and demanded whatever it was she wanted. His father was sweating like mad as he cried at the amount of money they would be spending.

When Naruto asked what was going on, his mother squealed in delight and said she was planning his wedding and that she found him the perfect dress for him. His father just cried more as he cursed the thirty thousand dollar dress that could have went to the remodel of his office, aka, the mystery cave that no one knew much about.

Needless, to say after nodding, Naruto fainted and woke to his mother taking his measurements and stuffing cake samples down his throat.

That was all in the morning. Now it was night and he would be going on his dates with Haku and Sasuke. Who knew the whole town would go with him as they sat in the background eating popcorn and wearing shirts that either said 'Choose Sasuke' or 'Choose Haku' there was even one that said 'Choose Me' that one was being held by Jugo.

"Okay Naruto no pressure." Temari said holding a clipboard and a headphone set with a mike.

"Why is there a camera here?" Naruto asked as Temari ushered him out of his dressing room and to his date with Sasuke.  
"Because we are going live. This is going to be a romantic moment that all will envy. Now get out there and shake it for the camera!"

"What?" What was he supposed to shake? His butt? No sir. He did not need to give people uncontrolable urges. He knew how hot he was and who wanted him. They all did. Yep. All of them wanted his cute behind.

"Places!" Kabuto shouted pushing Naruto in to a chair in the middle of a field. "And we are on in 3 2 1! Action!"

Naruto blinked as everyone watched him expectantly. What was he supposed to do? Reaching slowly for his water he froze as Temari shook her head and pointed to the right. Looking over Naruto's jaw dropped as Sasuke strolled toward him looking all sexyfied. Nosebleeds where had everywhere. Soon people were wishing for tampons for their noses.

"Hello Naruto." Sasuke said huskily as he took the seat across from him. "I'm so glad you agreed to this date."

Naruto frowned as he kept looking off to the side. Everyone was watching them. He knew he was famous but come on! He was human just like them!

"Uh yeah." Naruto fumbled looking as if he seen a ghost.

"Don't pay attention to them." Sasuke whispered running his pale hands down Naruto's tan face. "Just look only at me."

Naruto blushed bright red at the look in Sasuke's face. "Okay.  
"I got you something. I hope you don't mind." Sasuke said softly as he reached under the table and pulled out a present.

If there was one thing Naruto loved almost as much as ramen and it was presents! With the excitement of a child he tore the wrappings off and pulled off the lid. Then he frowned at what he saw. "You're giving me my stinky shoes back?"

In the background he heard Jugo yell, "I should be giving you your shoes back not him!" Then the sound of him being beaten by his girlfriend was heard.

"You're shoes in a glass box. I thought they would remind you of the time I fought the others off for them." Sasuke grinned, "They even have the smell and the original stains."

"Ew!" Naruto made a face and pushed the box back to Sasuke as he crossed his arms and pouted.

"You don't like them?" Sasuke frowned. "They are beautiful and my most prized possession after you of course."

"How about you keep them and let me keep these ones." Naruto pulled his foot out from under the table and showed Sasuke his feet and the flip flops he had yet to return to Temari. They made his toes look pretty.

"Naruto!" Temari screeched.  
"I'll give them back." Naruto promised. To Sasuke he shook his head and whispered, "No I won't."

"Let's move on then." Sasuke said after a few minutes. "What would you like to eat?"

"Ramen!" Naruto screamed.  
"That's not healthy. How about tomato soup?"

"No! I want ramen!"

"No."

"Ramen!"

"No."

"Ramen!"

"NO!"  
"RAMEN!" At Naruto's outburst everyone was thrown back and their hair was sent flying to now look like Sasuke's.

"Okay." Sasuke whispered quietly. "Ramen it is."

And so Ramen it was. After ten bowls because Naruto had to cut back in order to fit in his new jeans that he bought the other day, he wanted dessert.

"What would you like?" Sasuke asked finishing his first bowl.

"Ramen Icecream!"

"What?" Sasuke blinked in disgust.

"Yes. I invented it myself." Naruto stated proudly. "Now give me some!"

"Okay." Sasuke whispered fearfully.

=^.^=  
"He's already whipped." Kabuto whispered to an annoyed Temari. Her broadcast of the most romantic date ever was a failure because the idiot blonde did nothing romantic!

"I see you're busy dooming things in your head. I'll be over there." Kabuto said quickly and took off.

=^.^=  
After the Ramen dessert that Naruto continued to talk about. Temari signaled an ending to their date. Sasuke was whisked away along with the table.

Before Naruto knew it he was dressed in another change of clothes and the field had been turned into a beach with a blanket, which Naruto was forced to sit on.

A pool of water was quickly set up and Naruto wanted to build sand castles.

What seemed like forever later, Naruto's jaw dropped again as Haku came walking half naked out of the water.

"Hello Naruto." Haku purred stalking gracefully toward a blushing blonde. "Tell me, what do you think of my body?"

"It's pretty." Naruto was in a daze. Haku was half naked in front of him and water was running down his body.

Once again more nosebleeds were had and more tampons were wished for.

"Thank you. I quite enjoy yours as well." Haku purred as he dropped to his knees and began to crawl toward the lost-in-lala-land blonde. When he was above him, Naruto blinked in surprise.

"Tell me Naruto," Haku whispered, "what would you like to do?"

"Do you really want to know?" Naruto whispered back.

"Yes."  
"Really, really want to know?"

"Yes."

"Really, really, really want to know?"

"Yes."  
"Really, really-"  
"For the love of... YES!" Haku shouted. "Tell me!"

Pouting Naruto looked away. "I don't wanna no more."

"Why not?" Haku asked moving back.  
"Because I don't wanna."

"Tell me."  
"No."  
"Yes."  
"No."

"Yes."  
"Yes."  
"No."  
"Okay." Naruto grinned as he got Haku.  
Taking a breath Haku tried again. Giving Naruto his sexiest smile he moved closer.  
"Look a whale!" Naruto shouted feeling panic rising.

"What? How is there a whale-" Haku started looking toward the pool and then back to a running blonde.  
"Gottcha!" Naruto shouted and laughed gleefully until he was tackled from behind. "Cheater!"

"You are a lot of trouble." Haku grunted as Naruto tried to escape. "But so worth it all."

When Naruto was flat on his back and staring Haku in the eyes, he was at a loss for what to say.

"Let's try something else." Haku whispered moving his face closer to Naruto's. Just as their lips were an inch apart Sasuke appeared.

"Okay dates over."

"Go away." Haku growled. "Can't you see I'm giving him his present."

"Is it shoes?" Naruto questioned worriedly.

"No."

"Is it ramen?" He asked happily.  
"God no."  
"Then I don't want it." Naruto said pushing Haku off. "Gosh dates are so boring. I'm going home."  
"But you haven't chosen!" Haku and Sasuke said together along with everyone watching.  
"I'll tell you tomorrow. I'm tired. Kabuto save the rose!" Naruto yawned.  
"But-"  
"Daddy! I want to go home!"

"Okay son." Minato said and craddled his son in his arms.

"My career is over." Temari said and went on to beat up the camera man.

=^.^=

The next day Naruto had a healthy breakfast and a meeting with his parents about his wedding, which Naruto only agreed to if the cake had ramen in it. His mom said he'd have that one to himself. So he was okay with that.

Finally he escaped his house and made his way to school. With a happy skip to his step he whistled all the way there and then stopped as he saw the whole school watching him. Sasuke was on the right with lots of people saying go for Sasuke and Haku was on the left with the same amount of yelling. Once again Jugo was by himself as he yelled for Naruto to go to him and Karin was beating him up.

With a determined look both raven's walked up to Naruto and held out one red rose each.

"Choose one." Both said.

"Do I have to do this now?"

"Yes."

"Fine. Can I have ramen?" Naruto gave them puppy eyes.

"Naruto..."

"Okay, okay. I choose..." Naruto looked from one rose to the other. Sure it was stupid to pick his future boyfriend off of a rose but he didn't care. The one with the prettiest rose would win.

"CHOOSE!" The whole school yelled.

"I will!" Naruto shouted back. "This is hard!" The rose thing was not going to work because they looked exactly the same! Lets see, both teens were extreamly attractive. Naruto didn't want to be the only hot one in the relationship. Both were extreamly smart. He needed a smart boyfriend, he did not do well with idiots. Look how much stress Temari and Kabuto put him under. Both could bake. He loved anything with sugar. Both could sing. They could make beautiful music together. Both played sports. Naruto really didn't care about that one, he hated sports anyway.

A kiss! That's it. He just needed to see which one kissed better and the one that took his breath away would win his heart. "Kiss me."

"What?"

"Kiss me. I'll tell you then." Naruto said nodding his head.

"Fine with me." Sasuke smirked as he pulled Naruto into his arms and kissed the daylights out of him.

After what Haku had deemed enough time, he pulled Naruto out of Sasuke's arms and into his own. Producing a towel he wipped Naruto's mouth and then gave the blonde water to swish and spit out. Afterwards he kissed the blonde and whatever lights in his head were left exploded.

"Do you choose me?" Haku whispered pulling away.

"Or me?" Sasuke asked, pushing Haku away.  
"Yeah." Naruto said dumbly.

"Yeah to who?" Sasuke asked.  
"Wow." Naruto tried and failed to pay attention. Maybe he should do that again.

"Naruto?"

"Oh, um, I choose, I choose Sasuke." Naruto finally said randomly.  
"YES!" Sasuke shouted along with his crowd of people.  
"Are you sure Naruto? I mean you could always think again." Haku said quickly pushing Sasuke back. "Maybe I should kiss you again?"

"He chose me." Sasuke smirked pushing Haku back. "Buh bye." With that he pulled Naruto into his arms and kissed the blonde taking any thought left in Naruto's very tiny brain.

=^.^=  
"Naruto why are we here?" Sasuke demanded letting his blonde energentic boyfriend pull him into the book store. Dating Naruto was a handful, but what could he say, he was in love.

"Because you don't believe me that you fell in love with me by a spell!" Naruto pouted looking around for Orochimaru. "Orochimaru!"

"What?" Orochimaru said coming from behind his counter. "Oh it's you. How did your spell work? Did you get yourself a boyfriend?"  
"Yep, this is Sasuke." Naruto said showing Sasuke off as if he was on display. "He doesn't believe in the spell book."  
"Why ever not?" Orochimaru demanded.  
"Spells are for movies and teenage girls." Sasuke stated.

"Tell them they are real!" Naruto yelled and then something caught his eyes. "Picture books!" and he was gone in a flash.

"They are very real." Orochimaru stated.

"Really?" Sasuke said doubtfully.

"If you don't believe in them, then read this one." Orochimaru went on as he pulled a book from under the counter and turned to a bookmarked page.

"**Forget Me**? What does this mean?" Sasuke frowned as he glanced over the poem.

"It's a spell people use when someone is crazy in love with them and they don't want them to be. Read it if you dare or don't read it at all."

"I'll read it to prove they don't exist." Sasuke smirked.

"The only problem with this spell is that once it is said it can't be said again." Orochimaru warned.

"Like I'm going to need it." Sasuke rolled his eyes and cleared his throat.

**'Soul to Soul Mind to Mind'**

**'Release me now and forget your heart'**

**'Soul to soul Body to Body'**

**'As of this moment we aren't together but apart'**

"That's it? See I told you that was stupid. I mean come on the rhyme sucks and-"

"Really." Orochimaru interrupted. "Why don't you call your boyfriend over."

"Why?"  
"Call him."  
"Naruto, come here." Sasuke called to his boyfriend.  
"Yeah?" Naruto said putting down the book and walking over.

"Kiss him." Orochimaru commanded.

"Fine." Sasuke said and swooped down to kiss Naruto, but to his shock Naruto pulled away.  
"What the hell! Why are you kissing me you freak!" and just like that Naruto ran out of the shop screaming about perverted bastards.  
"What the... Why?" Sasuke turned back to Orochimaru. "Fix this!"

"I thought you didn't believe in spells?"  
"Fix it!" There was no way Haku was going to steal his boyfriend!

"Alright. Here. I'm sure this spell will fix it. Remember just look at his picture." Orochimaru stated as he turned and headed to the back of the shop.

Looking down Sasuke looked at the spell in his hands. "**My One True Love**." Was this the spell that Naruto was talking about? Who cares. "Now I need a picture." Which wasn't hard since Sasuke always kept pictures of Naruto in his phone. The problem was Naruto wasn't by himself in any of them. Instead the blonde was always by someone. Half the time it was fellow football players. Without thought Sasuke found the clearest picture of Naruto with all the football players minus Itachi because he was the one taking it and read the poem.

**'My love for you is as true as the sun'**

**'And without you I am undone'**

**'Catch my scent and breath it in'**

**'See my face and your heart I shall win'**

The next day he had his blonde back and to his shock, the whole football team, minus his brother, was in love with him!


End file.
